WAYS TO ENSURE YOU'LL BE SINGLE ALL YOUR LIFE
Nobody wants to be alone.
There is a huge drive to meet the right person and settle down in order to avoid living the rest of your life as a pathetic, lonely troll.
If you're worried about getting to the end of it all and not having someone to squeeze, here are some behaviors to avoid because they will ensure that you'll be single for the rest of your life:
Buying weird pets
Having a fake accent
Using pick-up lines
Never going out
Getting a scary/creepy tattoo